VBS.TV are a bunch of little bitches.

I like VBS‘s content. Really I do. So much so I wanted to contribute. Here is the 21st century Rolling Stone, I told myself. Wild eyed and clear headed, brave and bold and never boring – they assume that their audience can be intelligent without being a bunch of foreign policy nerds who talk like an academic paper. Everything a rampaging young journo like myself could hope for. I wanted in.

I didn’t bother getting in touch with the Australian edition, the Australian edition of any English or American magazine is shit. No Exceptions. We get a bit of their best content, and a lot of half funded pap to fill the other pages. So, without contacts, my only option was to scour the site, a technique that does work some times.

However, when I clicked the oddly named “How to pitch us ideas” link I found instead the following puddle of wank:

We’re sure you’ve got a bunch of stellar ideas for new shows and interesting subjects that VBS could cover, but due to a bunch of legal reasons we aren’t entirely keen on, we cannot accept any unsolicited pitches or videos. Sorry. We agree it’s lame, but them’s the breaks.

If you want to get in touch with us about jobs or strike up some sort of internet-friendship, email us at info@vbs.tv.

After about three seconds of wondering if the US congress had really passed a law that applied only to Vice Magazine and not to any other publication in the free world, I got the shits with their B.S. and sent the following email, admittedly in the half -hearted hope that it would be comically offensive enough to get forwarded around the Vice office and make them all see how cool I am be sorry for hurting my feelings:

Hi,

A few weeks back a good friend of mine put me onto your site, in particular Balls Deep, Sewers of Bogota. Brilliant stuff. You guys do stuff that is intelligent and accessible and hard hitting and you’re awesome etc. I’ve been on the site pretty much every day since then.

I’m down in Australia. There are crazy things going on down here – stories which apparently can’t be submitted unless they are solicited. I was thinking maybe if we became internet-friends (as u suggested on the “sorry we don’t take submissions” bit of ur page), then u might eventually let me buy u a coffee, then maybe dinner and a movie then we’ll hold hands then you look at me and the light bounces of my bald patch just so, and then you do it, you surrender your morals like the dirty scarlet woman your mother always said you were, and solicit, solicit, solicit, screaming louder and louder as your long nails scratch down my back, “PITCH BABY PITCH *gasps* oh god *pants* PITCH TO ME LIKE I STOLE YOUR BIKE DADDY!”.

And just to convince you what a great Internet friend I can be, here is some of my work:

Text

Martyrs Day, Beirut

My Extended Feature on the 2009 Iranian Elections

Iraq’s anti-gay purges

Video

Dirty Tricks in Australian Election

Protest at Villawood Detention Centre

Antony Loewenstein Interview

Also, attached to this email is my CV and in the finest traditions of internet-friendship, a photo of a cat with misspelled wordz.


Austin G. Mackell
Freelance Journalist
BLOG: austingmackell.wordpress.com

how's THAT for a charm offensive?

how's THAT for a charm offensive?

About Austin G. Mackell

I am a freelance journalist who has worked for a variety of corporate and community outlets from my hometown of Sydney and from the Middle East, including from Lebanon during Israels 2006 invasion and from Iran during the tumultuous presidential elections there in 2009. I have recently moved to Cairo to watch the revolutions in Arab world unfold.
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4 Responses to VBS.TV are a bunch of little bitches.

  1. OH GOD HOW DID I MISS THIS

    VBS = VERY BITCHY SHITHEADS

    DAMN if only I had thought of it in time for the original post… oh… what a wasted opportunity at literary genius.

  2. craig says:

    did you ever find out if there was a way in to VBS? great post.

  3. Jason Moses says:

    Like your writing. I have submitted a couple of video pieces to them. I think they maybe too cool to see outside their growing bubble. 10 years from now Shane, Eddy, Alvi will have sold their shares and VBS will be another CNN or Fox News with bland coverage. No Worries Mate.

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